The High of Connection

Why People Replace Substances With People

When someone stops drinking or using drugs, everyone expects the obvious problems to fade. The late nights, the missing money, the lies, the mood swings, the chaos. Sometimes that happens quickly, and it feels like relief. But many people in early recovery get hit by something they did not expect, an intense hunger for connection that feels urgent and overwhelming. They fall hard for someone new. They chase attention. They need constant reassurance. They become obsessed with being liked, being wanted, being chosen. It can look romantic from the outside, like they are finally alive again. Inside it often feels like desperation.

This is one of the most common replacements after substance use stops, and it is also one of the least discussed because it hides under words like love, passion, chemistry, and destiny. The truth is that people can use relationships the same way they used substances. They can use a person to change their mood, to escape discomfort, to avoid loneliness, to feel powerful, to feel safe, or to feel important. When that happens, the relationship becomes another form of addiction, and it can be just as destructive, especially in the fragile early months of sobriety.

In South Africa, where many people carry trauma, unstable attachment, and social pressure around relationships, this pattern can be intense. People want to belong, and they want to belong fast. They want a fresh start. They want to prove they are not broken. They want someone to see the best in them. Those desires are human. The problem is when the desire turns into compulsion, and the person starts acting from fear rather than choice.

Why Connection Can Feel Like a Drug

Substances give fast relief. They change your state quickly. When you stop using, you lose that quick switch, and the nervous system can feel raw. Human connection can become the next quick switch. A text message gives a rush. A compliment gives a rush. Sex gives a rush. The early stage of romance gives a rush that can feel like the old high, especially for someone who has been numb or lonely for a long time.

There is also brain chemistry involved. Attachment triggers dopamine. Novelty triggers dopamine. Attention triggers dopamine. The brain that has been trained to chase dopamine through substances can easily start chasing it through people. The problem is that people are not substances. They have their own moods, boundaries, needs, and limits. They cannot reliably deliver the same relief on demand. When the addicted brain expects relief and does not get it, it reacts with anxiety, anger, jealousy, and panic.

This is where the relationship becomes unstable. The person in early recovery might become clingy, controlling, or emotionally volatile. They might read into every message. They might feel abandoned when someone is simply busy. They might obsess, spiral, and then try to fix the feeling with more contact, more chasing, more intensity. That is not love. That is nervous system dysregulation looking for a fix.

Trauma Bonding, Chaos Love, and Chasing Intensity

Many people who struggle with addiction also have histories of trauma, neglect, or unstable caregiving. That history shapes attachment. It teaches the brain that love is unpredictable, that safety is temporary, and that intensity is proof of value. When someone like that gets sober, they often do not suddenly become secure. They still carry the old wiring. If they meet someone who feels intense, someone who is emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or dramatic, it can feel familiar. Familiar can feel like home, even when it is harmful.

Trauma bonding is not just a buzzword. It is a pattern where intensity and pain become linked. The person feels pulled toward someone who triggers them, because the emotional spikes feel like connection. They mistake anxiety for chemistry. They mistake jealousy for love. They mistake obsession for devotion.

This is why some people in recovery keep choosing the same type of partner. They might get clean and still pick chaos. They might leave a substance and enter a relationship that functions like a substance. High highs, low lows, constant conflict, constant make ups, constant emotional drama. It feels alive, but it is not stable. It is addiction thinking in a different outfit.

A healthy relationship often feels boring at first to someone who is used to chaos. That boredom can be uncomfortable, because it forces the person to face themselves. Many people would rather chase intensity than sit with their own feelings.

Healthy Connection Versus Emotional Hunger

Connection is not the enemy. Humans need connection. Isolation fuels addiction. Loneliness can be lethal. The goal is not to avoid relationships, it is to build relationships that are healthy, steady, and honest.

Emotional hunger feels urgent. It feels like you cannot breathe without the person. It feels like panic when they do not respond. It feels like obsession, checking phones, replaying conversations, imagining betrayal. It often comes with a sense of emptiness that you want the other person to fill.

Healthy connection feels grounded. You can miss someone without collapsing. You can disagree without fearing abandonment. You can be alone without feeling worthless. You can be in a relationship and still have your own life, your own friends, your own recovery structure.

A big difference is responsibility. Emotional hunger makes the other person responsible for your mood. Healthy connection keeps responsibility with you. Your partner can support you, but they cannot regulate your nervous system for you. That is your job.

What to Do If You Recognise This Pattern

Start by naming it without drama. If you are chasing connection like a drug, admit it. That admission is not shameful. It is honest. Honesty gives you choices.

Build structure around relationships, especially early on. Keep your meetings and your recovery work consistent. Do not skip support because you are obsessed with a person. Do not make your partner your only source of comfort. Keep other relationships alive. Keep therapy if you have it. Keep routines that support stability. Relationships should add to your life, not replace your foundation.

Watch your behaviours. If you are checking your phone constantly, if you are stalking socials, if you are testing your partner, if you are flirting compulsively, if you are hiding messages, those are signs you are not in healthy connection. Do not justify them. Treat them like symptoms.

If sex is becoming compulsive, talk to someone safe. That might be a therapist, a sponsor, or a trusted person in recovery who understands behavioural addiction. Secrecy will not fix it. Structure and honesty will.

If you are in a fellowship, keep boundaries. Do not use meetings as dating spaces. Protect newcomers. If you are new, be cautious with intense attention. If someone is rushing you, pushing closeness, or making you feel pressured, step back. Healthy connection does not need speed to feel real.

Learning to Be Alone Without Falling Apart

One of the strongest skills a person can develop is the ability to be alone without spiralling. Not isolated, but alone. To sit with yourself, to feel your feelings, to tolerate discomfort, and to know you will not die from loneliness. Many people fear that, because their inner world feels unsafe. But the inner world becomes safer when you stop running from it.

When you can be alone without collapsing, relationships become healthier because you are choosing them, not needing them. You are not grabbing for a fix. You are building something real.

The high of connection can be beautiful. The problem is when you chase it to avoid your own pain. If you recognise that pattern, take it seriously. It can sabotage sobriety just as effectively as substances, because it keeps you in the same cycle, chase, high, crash, shame, repeat. The way out is the same as always, honesty, structure, support, and learning to live in a way that does not require a quick fix, whether that fix is a bottle, a line, or a person.